If you only focus on winning, you will probably lose more often than win. We have become a culture preoccupied with "winning." The goal of every Olympic athlete is to win a medal. The goal of every politician running for office is to win an election. Businesses and corporations seem to be focused only on "beating the competition" for sales or market share. Winning the top grades has become the focus of formal education. If we don't win, or become "number one" in any … [Read more...]
Creating Rich Relationships
Our new President-Elect talks a lot about "bringing us together as a nation." That implies that we know how to relate to one another in a unifying manner. However, most of us are not very skilled at creating enriching relationships. Many of us take pride in our sense of independence. We believe ourselves to be separate from others. We often use our sense of "being different" as a protection against being disappointed, hurt or abandoned. We believe "my needs are different, so I … [Read more...]
Never Enough?
There is never enough time to do what we want. There is never enough money to feel free to live as we desire. No matter what, when there is never enough of something we want, we perceive ourselves to be a victim of scarcity. Always viewing yourself, or your lifestyle, through the lens of scarcity results in your feeling unfulfilled. When we are unfulfilled, poverty becomes a permanent state of mind. Our perceptions of abundance or scarcity began in our childhood. If we were raised in a family … [Read more...]
The Benefits of Silence
In the August issue of Ode magazine, Tijn Touber wrote, "Being silent means more than just holding your tongue. It means listening for the softest, most subtle sound of all - the sound of the soul." Last April, I was forced to keep vocally silent for a week after minor surgery on my vocal chords. Among the benefits I derived from not talking aloud (not even a whisper), was my penmanship dramatically improved. The notes I wrote to my wife were at least legible. The experience of not … [Read more...]
Using Anger Creatively
We usually consider the emotion of anger to be destructive to our psychological health. In recovery from psychological difficulties, however, anger is often a sign of healing. Of all the varieties of emotions, fear and anger are probably the least understood. They are the most powerful. They need to be controlled. However, they are rarely considered a sign of health. The emotional experience we call "anger" is nothing more than our bodies providing us with quick, powerful energy. Anger … [Read more...]
Changing your Belief System
Most of my life coaching is oriented toward assisting others to update their belief systems. When we are very young, we form our basic beliefs about ourselves, others and the world around us. As children, we do not have the benefit of a mature brain to use abstract, rational or logical thought to shape our beliefs. We also do not have very much life experience to add aspects of reality to the beliefs we form. Therefore, early childhood beliefs require regular updating in order to remain useful … [Read more...]
Avarice, Compassion and the Scarcity Mindset
Avarice is not only one of the "seven deadly sins," it is also one of the consequences of the mindset of "scarcity." Avarice is defined as "too much desire to get and keep money; greed for riches." Certainly, acquiring and keeping money alone in no way guarantees a fulfilling life, and excessive amounts of money more often become an obstacle to it. In her book, The Soul of Money, Lynn Twist writes: "...My fund-raising work with the very wealthy taught me that, … [Read more...]
10 Keys to Happiness
In last month's column, I identified 10 ways to cope with stress in our lives. Now, I will address the thoughts, beliefs and habits that always seem to result in creating happiness. The first key thinking habit is to fill our mental activity with positive, affirmative thoughts. This is not a naive denial of anything negative in life. It is a matter of focus. When you spend most of your waking hours focusing on, or thinking about the positive aspects of your life, you become happier. Increased … [Read more...]
10 Ways to Cope Creatively with Stress
Recently I wrote in this column that 85 percent of the illnesses for which we seek medical attention are "stress-related." Today, I want to address the issue of coping creatively with the stress in your life. Below are a few suggestions. • Work off stress. If you are angry or upset, blow off the energy created by your stress response by engaging in strenuous physical activity. Run, exercise, play tennis, take a brisk walk. Physical activity allows you a "fight" outlet … [Read more...]
Constructive Use of Your Anger
Everyone feels angry sometimes. It is a part of our evolutionary history to become angry. When we humans lived in the jungle, we needed to become angry when we felt trapped or hurt. It provided us with a lot of energy to use in order to survive. Today, the realistic necessity of feeling angry is greatly diminished. Not that we feel anger, but rather what we do with our anger is what's important. How we manage that powerful emotion is critical to our health and well-being. If we "keep it … [Read more...]
Healing from Grief
Yesterday, I learned of the death of a favorite uncle. This column is for his surviving wife, Mary. There is no known medication for grieving. Healing from grief requires time. It requires understanding. You need to allow for emotional pain. You need long-term supportive connection with the living. You need to talk about the dead. You need to strengthen your positive memories. James Fogarty, Ph.D., wrote a book, When Grief Becomes Complicated. In it he lists some of the "risk factors" … [Read more...]
Becoming Real
On his daily television show, Dr. Phil McGraw likes to challenge his guests to "Get real!" So what does "Get real" really mean? I don't know what Dr. Phil means, but what it means to me is described in the rest of this column. Sometimes love hurts. Sometimes we become "addicted to love." Sometimes we confuse love with pain or attachment. When any of these misperceptions occur, we miss out on experiencing the most positive force in our lives..."real" love. … [Read more...]
Relieve Depression without Medication
Millions of people try to resolve all problems with drugs, either prescribed, over-the-counter or street drugs. Unfortunately, all drugs have side effects...some serious, some not so serious, some lethal, some beneficial, some physically addictive, and some psychologically addictive. Depression is a common psychological difficulty. Too many people use alcohol to relieve depression. Using it enhances all symptoms of depression (e.g., sense of helplessness, hopelessness, lack of motivation, … [Read more...]
Playing: A Missing Ingredient in Schools
I found the following poem on the wall of an examination room in a pediatrician's office: I tried to teach my child with books. He gave me only puzzled looks. I tried to teach my child with words. They passed him by often unheard. Despairingly, I turned aside. "How shall I teach this child?" I cried. Into my hand, he put the key. "Come," he said, "Play with me." Playing is practice made fun! Playing is the primary method that children … [Read more...]
Responsibility! Not Blame. Not Guilt.
"Taking responsibility" is probably the most misunderstood, and misused, psychological concept I know. For most people, being responsible is equated with being blamed. Being irresponsible is equated with guilt. Both equations are false. As with most of our conclusions about psychological principles, we learned about "responsibility" when we were small children. Children think in concrete terms, not in psychological abstractions. So when children are told, "Take … [Read more...]
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